“I am weak.”
This is the phrase that’s been going through my head for the past two days – two days since I had the choice to either stick with my plan (to complete a Whole30), or to let the demons win.
I don’t know why I did it. I had wonderful, beautiful, delicious, healthy food at the ready. I wasn’t hungry (in the true sense of hunger). I wasn’t particularly stressed. But when the choice was presented to me, I RAN to the dark side.
I chose the pizza.
For the record, it wasn’t even that good.
I have become acutely aware that my relationship with food is something that I’m going to have to seek professional help with at this point. There is far too much emotional baggage here for me to deal with on my own, and I cannot keep using food as my “medicine.” If I am going to be successful in my journey to become who I truly want to become – an optimally healthy, fit, happy girl, who has a healthy relationship with food – then I’m going to have to bring in outside assistance.
On a positive note, I didn’t spiral out of control, in my usual fashion. I didn’t go out and pick up a ton of junk food (I’m looking at you, Taco Bell), and then go home and sit on my couch, wallowing in my self-pity and stuffing myself sick. I got back on that wagon and have kept up the good choices since my slip. Yay, me.
But WHYYY? Why did I do it? Why did I choose the pizza? Why the hell can’t I JUST DO THIS RIGHT?!?
I’m starting to wonder if, perhaps, I need to ease into this strict Whole30 thing a little more. There are so many more facets to it than just eliminating certain things from one’s diet – for me, anyway. I happened upon the latest blog post by Stupid Easy Paleo, where she talks about the #1 thing to eliminate from your diet. It could not have come forth at a better time. IT SPOKE TO ME. This is where I was at, emotionally, two days ago. And I needed to just let it go, and remind myself – AGAIN – that I am not perfect.
So, for now, I’ve decided that my start date was the start of my “Whole30 life” – where I’m shooting for compliant meals 23 out of my 24 meals for the week. I feel like this goal is more attainable at this point. One that I can be successful at. Baby steps, small accomplishments, working up to bigger goals.
I am not defeated. Just human.